A Discovery I Didn’t Want To Make

I like to think I’m retired from building but there are two problems. One, because my shed is still chock full of tools and building clobber, my wife just expects me to fix everything just as I’ve always done, including the roof and the drains and the electrics and the boiler and ……..

My problem is I should have been a pilot because you can’t bring your old plane home with you. I bet retired pilot’s wives don’t keep on at them to jet them over to see their sister or drop them off in Monte Carlo to go shopping for sling backs. Mind you if I’d been a pilot I’d have been able to afford to retire at 40 so I’d have had more practice at getting out of the house in the morning before my wife’s voice got into first gear.

The second problem is, when it comes to building…….. I know best!

What I wanted to do was redesign my clapped out central heating. New rads, different pipe runs, new boiler, different water heating etc. and I actually didn’t want to do it myself, so for absolutely for the first time in my life, I phoned round for a quote or two.

Then slowly began the realisation, that what you the public, have been telling me the builder, for the last 30 odd years is in fact not just a gripe but an absolute and horrible fact!

The first bloke I phoned, said he’d get back to me later in the week and tell me when he could pop round.

The second, third and fourth, received my message and their machines promised they would move hell and high water to get back to me.

The fifth came round 3 days later just like he said he would and he was a nice experienced chap, just the sort I wanted.

Then one of the 3 “message blokes” got back to me and said he would drop in one evening next week on his way home.

So that’s one visit in the first week.

Next week the “message bloke” did turn up one evening and he too was a nice bloke.

The “message bloke” then got back to me with a verbal quote, which was about a thousand quid more than I expected. He said that if I thought it was worth considering he would come round in a bit, measure up properly and give the real quote. Now then……hands up any deluded fool who would expect his initial verbal price to be reduced?

A week later (a month after his visit) the fifth bloke sent me a written quotation, which was about a thousand quid MORE!

Then amazingly, the first chap I’d spoken to, left a message on my phone telling me he had just found a piece of paper with a note written to himself telling him to contact me later that week. “That week” by the way was 5 weeks ago by now! I didn’t bother returning his call.

The other 2 “message blokes” must still be on their way home from work I suppose. I hope their dinner’s all cold, the gravy is congealed and their wife has her curlers in, when they eventually crawl into bed.

So, what now? I’m doing it myself of course. I just can’t stand the hassle….. or the prices!

I’m sure they are all lovely men and I hope they prosper but what a way to run a business!

That’s not all.

My neighbour had some work done which unfortunately had to be undertaken from my property.

I told her I had no problem, providing the builder kept the paths clean and told me when they were coming. About a fortnight later my neighbour banged frantically on the door at about 10 pm telling me they would be there at 8 next morning and could I move my car and could they use my tap?

I don’t know whether anyone ever got done for drunk driving just moving his car into the street but it’s a good job the “driveway police” weren’t around. Next day I went out to see how they were getting on (all lovely blokes of course) and was just in time to stop their pizza-faced lad emptying a bucket of cement slop into my drain.

They then came and went for the next week seemingly at random, expecting me to move my car if they turned up at lunchtime and most certainly did not clear up after themselves. My neighbour ended up doing that herself!

So…now I know what you have known for years.

Builders…….lovely blokes, but if you ever want to organise a bun fight in the local bakery, get a 5 year old to do it!