The Deputy and His Wife

It was Good Friday early morning and I’d been awake for an hour mulling things over, like you do. My wife had just woken up so I put a couple of my mullings to her to see if she was cleverer than me.

As she is a teacher and has lived in America for 20 years, I asked her what a “stoop” was. She said it was where you sat on the top step of one of those verandas that go right round the houses they have on “Little House on the Prairie”.

So I asked her if it was still called a stoop when no one was sitting on it, or did it just revert back to being the top step? This annoyed her a bit and she told me to go and get her a coffee or let her go back to sleep.

But I was yearning for information, so I asked her why, if scary old Friday 13th was named after the day that the last supper was held on (and because there were 13 of them there), surely if Jesus was crucified on Good Friday, he must have had his last supper on Thursday night, so why aren’t we all terrified of Thursday 13th?

A bit later on, when we were having our breakfast, (I like my hot cross buns cold by the way, with lashings of real butter and strawberry jam. Just a bit of info on the side, in case my wife ever leaves me for some inexplicable reason; I’m left playing the field (and getting hungry) and any ladies out there want to beat a path to my door and try to woo me).

Where was I? Oh yes, I asked my lovely wife, “Why on Easter Sunday, do we say “Jesus rose from the dead”? That’s not correct is it, surely “the dead” means everyone who has died. What we should say is that Jesus “Rose from being dead”. She had a mouthful of hot cross bun at the time, so her answer was probably tempered by the 5 seconds it took her to swallow it, but it still wasn’t very ladylike especially at Easter!

We then got to talking about the retired couple who had just vacated our barn. (We live in darkest Yorkshire and have a converted barn B&B, it’s got a spectacular view, have a look at theoldschoolbarn.com). anyway, my wife said he used to be a cop!.

Unfortunately I misheard her and thought she said “cock”. Now, I’ve known a few blokes who were cocks in my time, I don’t mind telling you and in my experience…once a cock, always a cock! And I told her so.

Anyway, I said, (and here I put on my best BBC announcers voice) “We’re not on the Ventura Highway now you know, here in England we call them policemen”.

She waited exactly the amount of time a comic genius like Ronny Barker would have left it, then said.

“What were you saying about blokes who are cocks”?

Actually, she gave me the most terrifying ultimatum a working man can get. No, not withdrawal of my conjugal rights, it was far worse than that, “Breakfast or Beer”; your choice…one or the other!

The “message bloke” then got back to me with a verbal quote, which was about a thousand quid more than I expected. He said that if I thought it was worth considering he would come round in a bit, measure up properly and give the real quote. Now then……hands up any deluded fool who would expect his initial verbal price to be reduced?

What makes the perfect builder then?

One who turns up on time, every day until the jobs done perfectly, considerately and on budget…… That should just about cover it.

There shouldn’t really be a next line here of course but failing the above, one who keeps householders informed, would be much appreciated. (If you have to ask “Informed about what”? You’ve never had builders in, have you)!

While you’re hiding in the woodpile, try and work out the serving process. Do the real builders all go straight into the shop, order stuff and then come into the yard to get it, or is it entirely the other way around. Do they find a yardman, select what they want then go into the shop to pay for it, is there a queuing system?

Plastering is a great case in point. The job needs to be done in stages and, to do it properly. It’s a Kenny Rogers – you need to know when to trowl it, and know when to leave it – “You’ve gotta know when to hold ‘em…”

So sit back, have a cuppa and watch the process!

Good builders who are honest decent blokes, which is what we are.
We do our best to please all of the people all of the time, foul up on that as often as the next man and every now and again mess up on something or other which we then try to put right as smartly and quickly as possible. Just like you in fact!

Cowboys.
These are stupid lads who are rubbish builders and just playing at it. They come and go and couldn’t care less. BUT they aren’t generally part of the next lot.

Thieves.
These are the buggers highlighted on the telly programmes. They actually set out to deceive and cheat and rob you.

- Ask friends and neighbours to recommend a good builder.

- Go to your local builder’s merchant and ask the manager to recommend someone.

- Check reputable builders’ associations and federations.

- Always get three quotations – you do not have to accept any. If you are unhappy, find more builders.

- Equally, the cheapest quotation is not always the best quotation.

- Trust your instinct – does the builder seem enthusiastic about the job or merely the money?

- Is he well mannered? Does he offer to take his shoes off on entry? Is he clean? A polite person is far more likely to show respect to you and your home.

Electrics. Well, where do I start? Electric shocks, scare stories? Believe it or not THEY ARE ALL TRUE! Apart from gas fitting, this is the one area your really shouldn’t mess with. It’s not just the fact that you’ll potentially get a whack from the mains that will make Joe Frazier’s left hook look like a tickle from Ken Dodd’s duster, but you are more than likely to mess up and leave Joe Frazier’s left hook (and then some) waiting for the next unfortunate soul (or child) who was at the back of the queue when God was dishing out good fortune. No, leave well alone and get a professional in. Consider the money well spent.

Now, here’s a recurring problem that confronts builders time and time again. Your job will need a skip, your builder has included it in the price and it arrives on site. Hopefully that’s where it goes on site away from your friends and neighbours.
You’ve noticed skips out on the road with boards and tarps over them? That’s because they’re being left there over night. Why cover them, so they don’t get filled up at dead of night by your neighbours and various travelling itinerant skip fillers.